Due to popular demand, here’s a new article.
Enjoy it.
No. You don’t need to keep scrolling down. This is it.
J
Posts Tagged ‘blogging
19
Aug
09
You asked for it, here it is.
10
Apr
09
An interesting turn of events
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you might remember a few posts back where I responded to a rather funny and somewhat silly comment from a supporter of PETA:
You should be strung up and shot for eating meat!
Now, while the comment in itself may look like a death threat, I don’t feel particularily threatened. Just amused. Especially by the fact that the person who wrote the comment decided to leave her email address on the site. Oh yes, delkhazragi@hotmail.co.uk. When you leave a comment on FTD and leave a valid email address, it becomes oh so simple to find out just who the hell you are. So I subscribed the commenter to a wonderful monthly newsletter about the meat industry and let sleeping dogs lie.
What I wasn’t counting on, however, was that a regular reader to the blog would actually find out who the commenter was/is. Then again, who could have predicted that typing delkhazragi@hotmail.co.uk into google would yield up such results. Of course, FTD was the first result. Ahem! But more interesting was an article from Our Dogs Newspaper actually on the commenter in question!
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Dina Kazraghi; Virgin flight attendant and animal lover extraordinaire. Okay, okay. To be fair, her saving that dog in New Delhi (in 2002 according to ODN) was a cool move. Of course, she didn’t bother taking her time to save the thousands of starving children there, but still. No good deed goes unrewarded I suppose. I guess her act of compassion just confused me, considering she advocated my murder on a public blog. I hope for her sake that it was only meant in jest.
Now Dina. Yes, you. If indeed you do end up reading this blog post, I’d like to make some things very, very clear to you. The internet is a very powerful tool, and if you piss someone off chances are that they will find out a way to make your life a misery. Knowing your email address, name and the fact that you work with Virgin Airlines gives me something of an upper hand. I could very easily contact VA and tell them who you are and what you wrote on FTD. That could lead to you being sacked.
But I believe that in this modern economic climate, everybody needs to hold onto whatever job you can get. Even if that’s being an airhead flight hostess who doesn’t realise the human race is omnivorous. I’m going to be surprisingly merciful and not contact your employees. You may argue that me posting up your name, email address and employer on a public blog is an unfair breach of your personal privacy. I say bollocks. You send the abusive comments and you forego any and all rights to privacy on this fucking blog or anywhere else on teh intarweb. I’d also be interested in seeing just how commited you are to this premise. As you’re a flight attendant, if you’re anywhere near Beziers in the south of France before September, feel free to pop in. You can murder me if you wish, string me up and turn me into J-Nuggets or we can simply have a friendly and moderated discussion that doesn’t involve death threats. Just remember that I am in a position to possibly put you out of a job.
Sleep tight!
J
08
Apr
09
And The Circus Leaves Town…
So here we are back in the glorious and luscious lands of Britain… Well, more like the Isle of Wight, which is neither glorious nor luscious. I really could spend this entire post bitching about the IOW, but I’ve done that plenty of times before. Still, the island holds a certain…je ne sais quoi. Alright, the people are slightly oddball. There are virtually no ethnic minorities living here in Ryde and the weather is erratic. But I feel more at home here than I do in France. The air is gritty and I can smell several different vintages of urine on the streets… But goddamn it, it’s home!
Oh mon dieu! Am ah late for ze sent-ee-mentality? For ze derring-do? For ze-
No, although I’m not sure why you’re here. Aren’t you supposed to be in France with the rest of my split personalities?
We hid in your suitcase. Fucking cold in the bowels of that airplane though. And I only had this alibastair retard for company.
You poor, poor soul. Anyway, I think we had best fill some space here. Going through the list of the different statistics for FTD, you learn to appreciate just how fucked up some of the people who read this blog are. Especially through the search criteria. Here are a few of the ones that really stuck out. Rhy, if you please.
Oh… Well, we have… lesse here…
Kids fuckin kids.
If the guy who typed this in was looking for child porn, I’m afraid he’s sorely mistaken by coming to this blog. We have every other type of perversion, but that’s a no-no. Of course, if he’s typing that in as if to say “oh, those fucking kids” we apologize wholeheartedly and will do anything to avoid a libel suit. But if you were looking for child porn…. Dude, hand yourself into the fucking cops, man! Napoleon, how’d you like to take this next one?
Mais bien sur, mon brave! Ze second search crit-ee-ria ees:
Dostoyevsky on Abortion
But ‘ave you not heard? Dostoyevsky was an eemposteur! Ze Tom Cruise wrote all of his books and ‘ee was ze backyard abortionist! Oh, sacre bleu!
And hold up! One person wanted to know…
IS THAT A FUCKING SHAMWOW?!!
HOLY SHIT THAT SHIT IS SO INTENSE THE MOTHERFUCKER NEEDS A FUCKING HEADSET TO SELL THAT SHIT! FUCK! SHIT! Oh, and Vince the Shamwow guy was recently arrested for beating up a hooker. D’oh.
Before we leave, I’ll leave you with this: Chimps Pay Meat for Sex
Bbl, off to feed some chimps <.<
J
I’m, I’m uh out of this guys. I’m like, not addicted to the Internet so why do you keep on pushing this shit on me?
Because you have a problem, goddamnit! An addiction that’s gonna take over your life! 4Chan…Craigslist…Unexplained Mysteries. You think the saps on those goddamn sites started off like that? Huh? Do you think they started off by talking about their frickin’ psychic experiences with Elvis? Nap, what do you think?
Non. Zey deed not.
And fuck it, man. The French are always right! Well… except for… yanno… most of the time when they’re wrong. But that doesn’t matter! We have a problem because you have a problem!
I lead a perfectly normal life, thank you very much. There’s nothing wrong with the amount of time I spend trolling on teh intarweb.
Dude… a whole hour today trolling on Encyclopedia Dramatica and you call that normal?! Fuck it, I’m calling this meeting into session. If we could all go around and introduce ourselves.
I’m uh… Phew… Sorry, I just got a little… hehn… out of breath cuz I had to run here. I’m that… huh… uh… oh god… Tron Guy.
Tron Guy? What the fuck, I didn’t recognize you! What the fuck you doing? You’re wearing a suit!
Job interview. I’m looking to become Microsoft’s new mascot.
I’m… Well, I’m Pedobear. Just don’t tell Chris Hans-
Why don’t you take a seat?
Ah fuck! You guys told me he wouldn’t be here! Gaaaaaaiiiizzzz!
Just… Just take a seat and we’ll have a little chat.
Fuck you, dude!
No need to be like that. Come on. Just take a seat.
Hehn… Fuck.
Yeah. I’m that crazy stalker guy you see on Facebook.
Eet looks lahk every-buddy ees here. Tay Zonday et ze Angry German Keed could not meck eet here tonaht. We were gow-eeng to invite ze Craiglist stalker who comments on zees blog but decided we deed not want our leg humped by a randy eenternet youse-er. Who would lahk to start?
Well, if we may… I’d just like to start by having a little chat to Pedobear.
Dude… What is there to say? I got caught, okay I hold my hand up. Just the one. The other’s busy… yanno…
Where… yanno, where did you go wrong?
She told me she was 18!
And that gave you the right to say obscene stuff to her? Stuff like “I’m gonna blank your blanking blank all blanking blank long”?
I believe the words I used included “cunn-
What’re you gonna do? Where did you go wrong?
Are there cops waiting outside?
Heh. That’s usually a surprise.
We are going off ze topic. Sacré Bleu! Maybe we should ask some-buddy else. Erm… How about vous, crazy Internet stalker?
Well… yanno… it started off pretty innocently. I would just masturbate over this girl’s picture. I mean who was to know? Certainly not her parents. Certainly not the cops. But soon it got worse and worse. I’d leave her messages. I’d poke her. I’d send her gift after pointless gift in a hope to buy her affection! The line between Facebook and reality blurred… Suddenly the power rushed to my head. I thought I could poke whoever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I thought people would actually send gifts back to me if I sent them presents! I thought I could walk up to a hot girl in the street and ask her if she wanted to be my friend! Oh god!
You see, James? These are the effects that internet use has on the mind.
Yeah, but this guy’s a fruit. It doesn’t have shit to do with Internet consumption. He’s just a moron. And a creepy moron, at that. Sure, the Internet can have bad effects on the health and your sanity. Fuck, you can find more or less anything on the Internet. But you’ve gotta have a social life, too. Which is something I have.
Again with the goddamn messages! Sheesh! Can’t you just do what the other bloggers do and write 3 word blogposts with dick jokes and lolcat pictures?
This is the thinking man’s equivalent, isn’t it?
…Goddamn you.
Well, all good things must come to an end. And all tasteless things must be put down before they can get any worse.
Laters.
J
09
Mar
09
An open question
Please excuse me for the complete randomness of this post. I’m slightly high on cold medication. Craigslist stalker: is your blog satire or straight? I get chuckles from reading it, but I don’t know if you’re serious or not.
>.>
Until I come down,
J
