The Great Habbo Experiment

Habbo is a social networking application.  Sort of like the poor man’s Second Life, except full of people claiming to be teenagers.  I had heard about it through ED, and their article on the great Habbo Raid (The pool is closed for teh AIDS”).  I joined in order to see if I could organize a raid… And found something quite altogether different.

Upon five minutes of getting into one of the main rooms, I was instantly contacted by another user.  Thinking it could be a valuable asset, I accepted the friend request and got… This:

“Do u have a gf?”

“Not at this current moment.”

“Will u go out with me?”

I hadn’t taken Habbo for a dating site.  Shit!  A free Match.com!  Except it’s not full of creepy, unwash- Oh, right.  I mean I was flattered, sure.  But it was all so abrupt.  Good lord.  And then…

“Wot is ur MSN, come online and I will show you my bobbies”

What are ‘bobbies’?  Some sort of small animal? It suddenly dawned on me that she was referring to her mammaries.  It was time to make my intentions clear.

“I’m afraid I do not wish to see your, as you call them, ‘bobbies’.  I am wary of being propositioned by random strangers over the internet.  But surely there are other people in real life who would further benefit from your apparent promiscuity?  I wish you luck in your future endeavours.”

“kk”

Slightly perturbed, I decided that this was just a fluke and carried on my way.  But no! The unwashed, unlaid masses demanded more!

“Hi hotty”

“I admit, my avatar is quite dashing.  Although I find it quite strange that you judge my physical attractiveness based on an amalgamation of pixels, as you have not seen a photo of me in real life.  So this is Habbo. Ten minutes of being here and… I’ve been propositioned several times”

The horror.  The sheer horror.  I was expecting an innocent, carefree land where people chatted about hobbies and music!  How did it go so wrong?

The Craigslist people followed us, I’m sure.  They’ve been on our trail for a good few months now.

Shit, if they found us…

Just stock up on therapists.

a/s/l?

a/s/l?

Fuck! Run!

Till next time,

J

Internet Anonymous Meeting Version Beta 1.02.1.0

I’m, I’m uh out of this guys.  I’m like, not addicted to the Internet so why do you keep on pushing this shit on me?

Because you have a problem, goddamnit!  An addiction that’s gonna take over your life!  4Chan…Craigslist…Unexplained Mysteries.  You think the saps on those goddamn sites started off like that?  Huh?  Do you think they started off by talking about their frickin’ psychic experiences with Elvis?  Nap, what do you think?

Non.  Zey deed not.

And fuck it, man.  The French are always right!  Well… except for… yanno… most of the time when they’re wrong.  But that doesn’t matter!  We have a problem because you have a problem!

I lead a perfectly normal life, thank you very much.  There’s nothing wrong with the amount of time I spend trolling on teh intarweb.

Dude… a whole hour today trolling on Encyclopedia Dramatica and you call that normal?!  Fuck it, I’m calling this meeting into session.  If we could all go around and introduce ourselves.

I’m uh… Phew… Sorry, I just got a little… hehn… out of breath cuz I had to run here.  I’m that… huh… uh… oh god… Tron Guy.

Tron Guy?  What the fuck, I didn’t recognize you!  What the fuck you doing?  You’re wearing a suit!

Job interview.  I’m looking to become Microsoft’s new mascot.

I’m… Well, I’m Pedobear.  Just don’t tell Chris Hans-

Why don’t you take a seat?

Ah fuck!  You guys told me he wouldn’t be here! Gaaaaaaiiiizzzz!

Just… Just take a seat and we’ll have a little chat.

Fuck you, dude!

No need to be like that.  Come on.  Just take a seat.

Hehn… Fuck.

Yeah.  I’m that crazy stalker guy you see on Facebook.

Eet looks lahk every-buddy ees here.  Tay Zonday et ze Angry German Keed could not meck eet here tonaht.   We were gow-eeng to invite ze Craiglist stalker who comments on zees blog but decided we deed not want our leg humped by a randy eenternet youse-er.  Who would lahk to start?

Well, if we may… I’d just like to start by having a little chat to Pedobear.

Dude… What is there to say?  I got caught, okay I hold my hand up.  Just the one.  The other’s busy… yanno…

Where… yanno, where did you go wrong?

She told me she was 18!

And that gave you the right to say obscene stuff to her?  Stuff like “I’m gonna blank your blanking blank all blanking blank long”?

I believe the words I used included “cunn-

What’re you gonna do?  Where did you go wrong?

Are there cops waiting outside?

Heh.  That’s usually a surprise.

We are going off ze topic.  Sacré Bleu!  Maybe we should ask some-buddy else.  Erm… How about vous, crazy Internet stalker?

Well… yanno… it started off pretty innocently.  I would just masturbate over this girl’s picture.  I mean who was to know?  Certainly not her parents.  Certainly not the cops.  But soon it got worse and worse.  I’d leave her messages. I’d poke her.  I’d send her gift after pointless gift in a hope to buy her affection!  The line between Facebook and reality blurred… Suddenly the power rushed to my head.  I thought I could poke whoever I wanted, wherever I wanted.  I thought people would actually send gifts back to me if I sent them presents!  I thought I could walk up to a hot girl in the street and ask her if she wanted to be my friend!  Oh god!

You see, James?  These are the effects that internet use has on the mind.

Yeah, but this guy’s a fruit.  It doesn’t have shit to do with Internet consumption.  He’s just a moron.  And a creepy moron, at that.  Sure, the Internet can have bad effects on the health and your sanity.  Fuck, you can find more or less anything on the Internet.  But you’ve gotta have a social life, too.  Which is something I have.

Again with the goddamn messages! Sheesh! Can’t you just do what the other bloggers do and write 3 word blogposts with dick jokes and lolcat pictures?

This is the thinking man’s equivalent, isn’t it?

…Goddamn you.

Well, all good things must come to an end.  And all tasteless things must be put down before they can get any worse.

Laters.

J

An open question

Please excuse me for the complete randomness of this post. I’m slightly high on cold medication. Craigslist stalker: is your blog satire or straight?  I get chuckles from reading it, but I don’t know if you’re serious or not.

>.>

Until I come down,

J

It’s all about endurance, maaaaan!

Well, this has been a week full of thrills and chills for all of us now, hasn’t it?  I still haven’t heard back from my Craigslist stalker who somehow found his or her way onto the blog.  It’s a pity, I was ready to get freaky.

In other news, the next two weeks will be the death of me.  Tonight I’m pulling an all-nighter and getting paralytic with my friends.  And when I say paralytic, I mean paralytic, dudes.  Think of it this way.  I get the train to Montpellier at around 2pm.  I get off the train already with a 12-pack of booze in my bag.  I go bar-crawling.  Until 6 in the morning where I promptly get the train back home and fall asleep trying desperately not to choke on my own vomit.

Oh fuck me, that sounds like fun.

I’ll say.  Alcohol’s a great way to forget all of your problems, right?

No.  Well, yes.  But I’m not drinking to forget.  Screw it, I’m three months away from my exams.  If I can’t vomit my bowels out in a gutter now, there’s no hope for me.

Yeah, but it shouldn’t be an endurance test.

Since when did you become all moralistic?

Since you started considering drowning yourself in alcohol.  You die from liver failure, so do I.  And then where would our loyal readers be?

Oh, we have readers? Ahhhh…

Over 3000 individual visits to this goddamn blog.  Aren’t we proud?

Well, I suppose the fact we haven’t been arrested by Interpol for crimes against humanity is a good thing.  And the fact that people keep on coming back surely must mean there’s something of relative value in this binary digits?

Or it could just mean the Internet is populated with poor, poor saps.

Oh.  Yeah.  Well, either way people are still reading so we’ll keep on diligently writing.

And arguing.

Oh yeah.  Well, folks.  I’m off.  Laters.

J

And the prize for strangest comment goes to…

Casualencounters.com/blog for this strange comment regarding my Craigslist spoof:

I’m confused and alienated by your hysterical traffic light text. Hold me

A/S/L?

-James