Okay, now I’m doing an impression of a kangaroo.

Fuck, my legs are killing me.  I needed to think and kind of went beserk and cycled through the French countryside for an hour and a half.  I saw wascally wabbits and all.  Fucker ran too fast, so  no dinner for me tonight.  Shit.

Anyways, today was Pentecost, and what with the UK being such a wonderfully progressive country, so much so that they’re more or less a fucking theocracy in some regions of the country, the BBC (of all places) decided to broadcast the British equivalent of those keraaaazy faith healing programs in the US.

The British equivalent being some boring christfag talking about how his God has a bigger dick then your God.  In the spiritual sense, of course.

The worst part was the music.  Uninspired lyrics, shitty guitar playing… Oh, but they did have a six string bass.  The cunts.  Why do the christians get all the good shit?  Why the fuck didn’t they crank up the geetars and have some crazy ass solo shit going on?  Fuck!

School of Rock, my arse.

Five J-Rock albums you should listen to before you die

The J-rock music scene has really exploded since the turn of the millenium, with Japanese rock bands becoming more widespread and well known in the Western world. In this article, I’m going to celebrate the depth and richness of J-rock culture by recommending five ground-breaking albums to get you started off with.

No. 5: “Skull Alcoholic – The Complete Solar Anus” – Solar Anus

Solar Anus are a superbly versatile band that were overshadowed by the better-known J-rock bands such as Boris and Melt Banana, as well as the Visual Kei movement that dominated the 1990′s. Playing music very similar to the El Sexorcisto era White Zombie, Skull Alcoholic showcases the Anus’ work in it’s heavy stoner glory. A heavy, sludgy-ass album which is a must-have for fans of the stoner genre.

No. 4: “Urusa in Japan” – Afrirampo

Over the past few years, Afrirampo have gained a lot more recognition from their various stints with Japanese rock legends such as Acid Mothers Temple and the one and only Yoko Ono. In an album that can only be described as ‘chaotic’, Afrirampo tear music a new asshole, throwing forth music that takes it’s inspirations from the free noise movement the Boredoms were so fond of. Highly energetic and not for the faint hearted.

No.3: “Have you seen the other side of the sky?” & “Mantra of Love” – Acid Mothers Temple and the Melting Paraiso UFO

While the name is a mouthful, the Acid Mothers Temple are one of if perhaps not the most prolific bands in the world today. Although they have only been active since the early 2000′s, they have released dozens of albums. To pick these two albums in particular seems a tad unfair, but these are the two which had the profoundest effect on me. The track “La Le Lo” on Mantra of Love can only be described as ‘epic’, one of the most impressive improvisational jams I have heard in my time. These are perhaps the most accessible of the AMT’s albums, and a good starting block for new listeners.

No. 2: “Rakushu” – Kagerou

Kagerou were originally a Visual Kei band, and still incorporated various bits of the VK scene into their do. Rakushu is itself a heavy-ass album which has a more conventional sound than the other albums featured in this list. Should please fans of heavy nu-metal.

No. 1: “Akuma No Uta” – Boris

Oh, God… Where to start? Boris are by far one of the most versatile mainstream bands out there and have enjoyed a prolific stint so far, recording with such legends as Michio Kurihara of Ghost and Damon & Naomi of Galaxie 500 fame. Akuma No Uta should also go on record as having one of the coolest guitars I have ever seen (pictured above). When you start the album, your ears surrender themselves to one of the best contemporary albums I’ve ever had the fortune of hearing. Listen to it before you die or I may just have to kill you.

Stay tuned, kids, because coming soon is an introduction to the zany world of enemas!

Till next time,

Japanophile James.

Terry Bozzio Isn’t Gay

You gotta admit, Punky Meadows does look like a woman.

In today’s rapidly changing world
Rock groups appear every fifteen minutes,
Utilising some new promotional device.
Some of these devices have been known
To leave irreparable scars
On the minds of foolish young consumers.
One such case is seated before you:
Little skinny terry ‘ted’ bozzio,
That cute little drummer!
That’s right!
Terry recently fell in love
With a publicity-photo of a boy named punky meadows…
(oh punky!)…
Lead guitar player from a group called angel.
In the photograph,
Punky was seen with a beautiful shiny hairdo
In a semi-profile which emphasized the pootched out succulence
Of his insolent pouting rictus,
The sight of which drove the helpless young drummer mad with desire!

I can’t stand the way he pouts
’cause he might not be pouting for me!
Punky meadows, pouting for you?
Ha! you bet sailor!
You mean,
You mean he’s not…he’s not pouting…
He’s not pouting for me?
His hair’s so shiny and it’s done real nice
’til I squirm with ecstasy

Punky, punky, give me your lips to die on!

Oh punky, isn’t it romantic?

Punky, punky, give me your lips
To die on…i promise not to come in your mouth
Punky, punky, your album’s the shits!
It’s all wrong!

I ain’t really queer
But if he ever got near
Steven tyler would pay to see!
Pay to see!

Punky’s lips, punky’s lips
His hair’s so shiny,
I love his hips!
I love his teeth and his gums and such!
Punky
(what is it? you come home!)
You’re an angel!
You’re too much
(oh god!)

The boys of my thoughts in my lonely teenage room!

He’s been havin’ a rash
(no shit!)
That keeps the girls away
(it’s true)
Skin doom
(skin doom)
Is what the doctors say
And that makes me wonder
I wonder what punky is rehearsing today
I’ll just go over, and hear him play
His hair is so pretty…i’d like to bite his neck
I’ve heard a rumor he’s more fluid than jeff beck
But I ain’t queer
I ain’t gay
(he’s a little fond of chiffon in a wrist array-ee-ay-ee-ay)
A wrist array-ee-ay
(that’s all that is, I swear!)

Punky’s lips, punky’s lips!
Oh! I love his hair while eatin’ dunk-y chips
Yeah! I love his blink and his blank-blank-blank
Why, maybe he’d like to yank my crank?
Yank it punky!
Yank it faster!
Yank it harder!
Yank it all nite long!
Come on punky!
Get funky!

I ain’t queer
No no no no!
I ain’t gay
No no no no!
(he’s a little fond of chiffon in a wrist array-ee-ay-ee-ay)
Wrist array-ee-ay
And then he told me now:
I ain’t queer!
(hey!)
I ain’t gay!
(hey! hey!)
(he’s a little fond of chiffon in a wrist array-ee-ay-ee-ay)

I-i, lord,
I’m fo-o-o-ond of chiffo-on
In a wrist array-ee-ay
Oh oh oh oh!
I-i, I said I’m fo-o-ond of chiffo-on
In a wri-i-i-i-ist array
Come on punky!
Give me your lips!
Ride on my venus-trip!

5 Reasons to hate Kid Rock 5. He’s Kid fucking Rock. Heard enough? Good. You heard it here first.

While I admit to moderately enjoying Limp Bizkit, one “rapcore” artist I cannot stand for the life of me is that shitcake waste of sodding space Kid-fucking-Rock. I loathe that little redneck so much it’s almost indescribable.
But hey, let’s try and put it into words, huh?

1. He owned a midget who liked to pile drive children.
2. He wrote a whole fucking chorus spouting gibberish. “Damn-damn-diggy-boom-bah-wiggy-wiggy” does not make a good song. EVER.
3. He rhymed “Things” with “things” in his latest single
4. Half of his band look like they’re all brother, sister, mother and father at the same time.
5. He’s Kid fucking Rock.

Heard enough? Good. You heard it here first.

Music – My religion, my drug…

I have spent several weeks where I incessantly devoted every waking minute of my spare time to deep reflection and proactive meditation upon the role music plays in my life and spirituality. The effects of this time of thought have manifested themselves both physically and mentally; on Friday I had a friend ask me why I have been so ‘down’ over the past few weeks.
After two weeks of intensive self-conversation and deliberation, I have uncovered the role that music has on myself. While I cannot expect anybody else to share my point of view, I thought I’d share my viewpoints with you.

Over these past two weeks, I have mostly been listening to dark-ambient artist Lustmord. His work is exceptionally thought-provoking and has aided me in my search for the meaning and purpose of musical endeavors. Those of you who know me well will already know that music plays an exceptionally important part in my life. I believe that it can cleanse the mind, provide solace and companionship, and even carry a profound message to those who listen to it.
I myself feel a profound physical effect whenever I listen to certain types of music. These would typically fall into the “art-rock” or “avant-garde” genres. A good example would be the work of rock-band Tool, especially their album Lateralus. The complex drumming bases itself on geometric precision and structure, invoking a sort of ritual which enables the listener to further open their consciousness and receive the message that is being transmitted through the combinations of overlapping time signatures and rhythm. The songs on this album hold a significant spiritual message, and promote a feeling of peace and complacency within the listener.
Lustmord, mentioned earlier, tends to slip into the darker domains of the human psyche. The song that I’m listening to at the moment, Black Star, consists of minimalist cries; which sound as if they’re perpetuated by some sort of Tibetan horn. This constant drone is occasionally broken up by primitive, animalistic screams. The extensive use of ultra-sound also provokes a deep feeling of unease and worry in the listener. Lustmord is exceptionally adept at exploiting the different reactions and stimuli the brain has when faced with such an onslaught of sound, hence the reason his work has been the primary source of inspiration for my conceptions.
A special mention should also go to the Japanese group Acid Mothers Temple who have dedicated their work to taking the listener on a journey. It was founding member Kawabata Makoto’s words that first inspired me to study the role and purpose of music:

“Music, for me, is neither something that I create, nor a form of self-expression. All kinds of sounds exist everywhere around us, and my performances solely consist of picking up these sounds, like a radio tuner, and playing them so that people can hear them.”

He is of course right. Music is just sound. But how does it have such a profound effect on people? Music has influenced whole generations; people have fought to it, fucked to it, played to it… Music makes your heart race, music is there when God is not. Find not solace in an imaginary higher power. Embrace that which is there, that which you can see, hear and feel.
Oh, how I envy those people with synesthesia. To be able to see the music for what it is would be… tantric.

Music; my religion, my drug. You’ve saved my mind and body on oh, so many occasions. I surrender myself to you.