Jesus you wigga.

According to mainstream western christianity, Jesus was a white guy.  Even though he was born in the Middle East.

Don’t believe me?  Just look at all the pictures of Jebus.  He’s whiter than Dick Cheney.  So he was in the Middle East, which has led me to the belief that he was a white guy trying to be a black guy.  Yes, you heard me right.

And so J-Dawg delivered the sermon on the mount.

Yeeeeeeah mate! Fuckin’ bangin’, innit! Blessed are my homies the meek!  Dey never step up to da rise! Word!

What the fuck is he saying? Is he speaking in tongues?

Oi, boyee! Show da messiah some respec’ won’tcha?  My word is da gospel!

… If you say so.

Yeeeeah mate! Fuckin’ right on!  Ey, ey, ey! Let’s turn some of this water into crunk juice!  Bring my crunk goblet!

A disciple brings over a small, wooden goblet.

Ey, maaate! Whatthefuckyoudoing? I said my crunk goblet, homie!

Crunk? What is crunk, oh Lord?

Da gospel, boyee!

I don’t think that word ever appear-

Ah fuck dis shit! Let’s go cap that Pontius bitch!

Hey, would have made the Bible a lot more interesting.

J

Okay, now I’m doing an impression of a kangaroo.

Fuck, my legs are killing me.  I needed to think and kind of went beserk and cycled through the French countryside for an hour and a half.  I saw wascally wabbits and all.  Fucker ran too fast, so  no dinner for me tonight.  Shit.

Anyways, today was Pentecost, and what with the UK being such a wonderfully progressive country, so much so that they’re more or less a fucking theocracy in some regions of the country, the BBC (of all places) decided to broadcast the British equivalent of those keraaaazy faith healing programs in the US.

The British equivalent being some boring christfag talking about how his God has a bigger dick then your God.  In the spiritual sense, of course.

The worst part was the music.  Uninspired lyrics, shitty guitar playing… Oh, but they did have a six string bass.  The cunts.  Why do the christians get all the good shit?  Why the fuck didn’t they crank up the geetars and have some crazy ass solo shit going on?  Fuck!

School of Rock, my arse.

The Bible According to FTD

So we’ve got the Lolcat bible, the Mormon bible and I’m pretty sure Chuck Norris has his own version out there somewhere.  I mean what the fudge?  I figure, all these bibles out there, why should FTD have it’s own version?  Of course, this foray into the blasphemous nether-regions comes out of sheer boredom on my part.  But Goddamnit (or rather Jamesdammit in this case) it’s a way to pass a Saturday afternoon.  So come on, kids!  Let’s re-write the best-known piece of fiction ever created!

The FTD Bible

As written by the 4Chan Disciple J. “Infamy, They’ve All Got it Infamy” Cleverley

Book 1: SEGA GENESIS

1. In the beginning, J created the blog and the lulz.

2. And the blog looked crappy and was void of humour.  And the stale-ness was inherent in the CSS coding.  And so, the blog of J moved over to WordPress.

3. And J. said, Let there be an awesome wicked banner graphic, and there was an awesome wicked banner graphic.

4. And J. saw the wicked awesome banner graphic, and that it was indeed both wicked and awesome: and J. decided to keep it.

5. And J. called the banner graphic Header, and the content Lulz.  And the content and the humour became the first post.

6. And J. said, Let there be more Lulz, so that eventual readers may laugh themselves off of their fucking chairs.  And let it divide the strong-bladdered from the weak-bladdered.

7.And J. made the Lulz, and divided the strong-bladdered from the weak-bladdered, and it was so.

8. And J. called the Lulz Teh Funniez, and the Header and the Lulz were the second post.

[Segment lost due to lack of creativity on my part]

26. And J. said, Holy crap, this shit is getting a little stale.  I need a cheap gimmick to make people keep on reading this blog!  And let him have dominion over my conscience when the Lulz dry up, and over the content, and over the discours found herein.

27. And J. created Rhy in his own image, thus fooling people into thinking he was schizophrenic.

[Segment lost due to lack of creativity on my part]

THE SECOND BOOK OF SEGA GENESIS

2. And on the seventh day, J. was out getting drunk with his friends so there were no Lulz.

3. And J. blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it, because that in it he had had too much to drink the preceding evening and was hungover.

[...]

21. And the Lord J. caused a deep sleep to fall upon Rhy, and he slept.  And He split Rhy into two Rhys.

22. And the second Rhy, which J. had created, gave He a fruity French accent and presented him to Rhy.

23. And Rhy said, What the fuck?  Who’s this fruity French motherfucker?  He shall be called Napoleon, because that’s a typical French name, amirite?

[The Christian flamers thus broke down my door and crucified me in the name of their lord Jebus, claiming that I was an infidel. Thus ends the Bible according to FTD]

Jesus was a Communist,

J

More religious bigotry: How to lose friends and freak out people

Romans 8:16, 17
“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ.  A dispute therefore erupts over God’s will as to who should become the sole benificiary of God’s will.”

Lydia is a middle-aged woman who was dealt a bad hand in life
right from the beginning. Memories of ritual and sexual abuse that
she suffered as a young child have haunted her continually
throughout her Christian life. When she came to see me, her damaged
self-image seemed beyond repair. As she told me her story, Lydia
displayed little emotion, but her words reflected total despair.

So the fact that she’s a Godbotherer means that she’s more affected by the emotional trauma inflicted on her over the years?  Get real.

When she concluded, I asked, “Who are you, Lydia? How do you
perceive yourself?”
Seriously, Lydia.  Who the fuck are you?  What are you doing in my bathtub, and why do you smell of fish?

“I’m evil,” she answered stoically. “I’m just no good for
anybody. People tell me I’m evil and all I do is bring trouble.”
She’s just a prom-night dumpster baby…
“You’re not evil,” I argued. “How can a child of God be evil?
Is that how you perceive yourself?” Lydia nodded.
Well, Lucifer was technically a child of God and he turned out pretty bad.
It is never pleasant to see the evil one express his ugly
personality through a victim like Lydia. But realizing that she is
primarily the product of the work of Christ on the cross instead of
the victim of her past, she was able to throw off the chains of
spiritual bondage and begin living according to her true identity
as a child of God.
Spiritual bondage, huh?  I like where this is going.  giggity-giggity-goo.
Nothing is more foundational to your freedom from Satan’s
bondage than understanding and affirming what God has done for you
in Christ and who you are as a result. We all live in accordance
with our perceived identity. In fact, we cannot consistently behave
in a way that is inconsistent with how we perceive ourselves. Your
attitudes, actions, responses and reactions to life’s circumstances
are often determined by your conscious and subconscious
self-perception. If you see yourself as the helpless victim of
Satan and his schemes, you will live like his victim and be in
bondage to his lies. But if you see yourself as the dearly loved
and accepted child of God that you really are, you will more likely
live like a child of God.

See from my past experiences, if you live an act like a child of God, you’re generally a douchebag who thinks they’re better than everyone else. See where I’m going with this?

Stay tuned next Saturday when we’ll be answering the question: “Can God fill teeth?”, finding out just what Jesus did with all those kinky whips, and chatting to Satan about his new reality TV program.

Stay sane,

James

The Bible According To StickGrub McFancyPants

AKA, Me.

While browsing through the Interwebs for bible quotes, I found cool little system that sends them to your email every day.  The little article accompanying the sign-up sheet read like so:

Looking for some encouragement in life?

In our email devotional we will send you, you will:

- Learn how to face trials in Biblical way.

- Be encouraged on your daily walk with Christ

- Grow more to be Christ-like and win your battle against sin.

- Learn practical Christian living and to be a better person.

- Improve your relationships with people around you.

- Have a better outlook in life and a lot more…

Wow.  I’m surprised I didn’t hear of this crazy little self-help book before.  Anyone know who wrote it?

Anyway, from now on, Saturday will be “let’s take the complete and utter piss out of Christianity” day.  Though the title is a little long.  Let’s just call it “Religious Bigotry Day”.  The little emails I get are also filled with little inspirational stories, so I’ll put them up, too.  Oh, and the bible quotes’ll be edited to create my own little Bible.  Enjoy:

“Be ye holey; for I just stabbed you, fool” (1 Peter 1:16)

THOUGHT: (by Gloria Copeland)
When Max, our grandson, started kindergarten, he had quite an
awakening. Max is the youngest in his family and is used to being
pampered by his three big sisters. So he was very surprised to find
out that in kindergarten, he wasn’t the center of attention. He was
especially distressed to discover he was actually expected to sit
still!
Sounds like little Max needs a dose of Ritalin.  Or a shovel to the head.  Or both.  Hell, I don’t know, as long as someone shuts the little bastard up.
For the first few weeks, Max just didn’t seem to be able to do it.
He got in trouble again and again. One day, his mother was talking
to him about it, and he threw his hands up in desperation, “I’m doing
the best I can.”
*sings* “Well I guess your best just isn’t good enough!”
“Well, Max, that’s not good enough,” his mother replied. “You are
going to have to do better.”
That’s good parenting in action.
In all exasperation with his mother, Max said, “I told you,
I’m doing the best I can!”
*smack* don’t talk back to me, you little bastard!
Within a few weeks, Max grew tired of having to stay on the sidewalk
during recess (that’s the consequence for misbehaving in his class),
and he discovered he could indeed do better.
They make kids sit on a sidewalk if they misbehave?  Jesus, what next?  Training them to be hobos?
I think about Max many times when God is dealing with me about some
area of dedication and consecration. Max has ruined the old
excuse, “Lord, I’m doing the best I can!” Now I say to
myself, “Gloria, you’re just doing the best you want to do!”
Remember.  Nothing you do is ever good enough for God.  Nothing.
That’s the way it’s been with the Church in general. When it comes to
being holy, and laying aside sin, we haven’t done all we know to do.
We’ve just done what we wanted to do. We may have put away what we
considered to be major sins and even many minor sins, but there are
worldly hindrances we’ve held on to because our flesh enjoys them.
I feel kind of like I’m reading a testimonial from one of the Hellraiser demons.
When God tells us to make a change, we must obey. We have entered the
last of the last days…and we have to become obedient. We have to
become holy.
All hail the magic power of Jeebus!
We can’t feed on the garbage of the world and at the same time be
separated to God, fit for any good work (2 Tim. 2:21).
Yes we can.  Just watch me.
I realize this makes your flesh uncomfortable…but we’re told to
crucify our flesh (Romans 8:13). We’re to cleanse ourselves and
consecrate ourselves to God (2 Cor. 6:14-7:1). God has cleansed us on
the inside, now it’s our responsibility to let our born-again spirit
have dominion.
So the true Godbotherers are really just a bunch of self-hating masochists?  I want in.
When you do that, then you can say truthfully, “I’m doing the best I
can!” And God will be pleased.
He’s a little fond of chiffon in the wrist aw-right.
CONFESSION: I am holy for God is holy. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

I put all of my trust in JEE-sus. Amen.