Due to popular demand, here’s a new article.
Enjoy it.
No. You don’t need to keep scrolling down. This is it.
J
Posts Tagged ‘teh internetz
19
Aug
09
You asked for it, here it is.
I’m, I’m uh out of this guys. I’m like, not addicted to the Internet so why do you keep on pushing this shit on me?
Because you have a problem, goddamnit! An addiction that’s gonna take over your life! 4Chan…Craigslist…Unexplained Mysteries. You think the saps on those goddamn sites started off like that? Huh? Do you think they started off by talking about their frickin’ psychic experiences with Elvis? Nap, what do you think?
Non. Zey deed not.
And fuck it, man. The French are always right! Well… except for… yanno… most of the time when they’re wrong. But that doesn’t matter! We have a problem because you have a problem!
I lead a perfectly normal life, thank you very much. There’s nothing wrong with the amount of time I spend trolling on teh intarweb.
Dude… a whole hour today trolling on Encyclopedia Dramatica and you call that normal?! Fuck it, I’m calling this meeting into session. If we could all go around and introduce ourselves.
I’m uh… Phew… Sorry, I just got a little… hehn… out of breath cuz I had to run here. I’m that… huh… uh… oh god… Tron Guy.
Tron Guy? What the fuck, I didn’t recognize you! What the fuck you doing? You’re wearing a suit!
Job interview. I’m looking to become Microsoft’s new mascot.
I’m… Well, I’m Pedobear. Just don’t tell Chris Hans-
Why don’t you take a seat?
Ah fuck! You guys told me he wouldn’t be here! Gaaaaaaiiiizzzz!
Just… Just take a seat and we’ll have a little chat.
Fuck you, dude!
No need to be like that. Come on. Just take a seat.
Hehn… Fuck.
Yeah. I’m that crazy stalker guy you see on Facebook.
Eet looks lahk every-buddy ees here. Tay Zonday et ze Angry German Keed could not meck eet here tonaht. We were gow-eeng to invite ze Craiglist stalker who comments on zees blog but decided we deed not want our leg humped by a randy eenternet youse-er. Who would lahk to start?
Well, if we may… I’d just like to start by having a little chat to Pedobear.
Dude… What is there to say? I got caught, okay I hold my hand up. Just the one. The other’s busy… yanno…
Where… yanno, where did you go wrong?
She told me she was 18!
And that gave you the right to say obscene stuff to her? Stuff like “I’m gonna blank your blanking blank all blanking blank long”?
I believe the words I used included “cunn-
What’re you gonna do? Where did you go wrong?
Are there cops waiting outside?
Heh. That’s usually a surprise.
We are going off ze topic. Sacré Bleu! Maybe we should ask some-buddy else. Erm… How about vous, crazy Internet stalker?
Well… yanno… it started off pretty innocently. I would just masturbate over this girl’s picture. I mean who was to know? Certainly not her parents. Certainly not the cops. But soon it got worse and worse. I’d leave her messages. I’d poke her. I’d send her gift after pointless gift in a hope to buy her affection! The line between Facebook and reality blurred… Suddenly the power rushed to my head. I thought I could poke whoever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I thought people would actually send gifts back to me if I sent them presents! I thought I could walk up to a hot girl in the street and ask her if she wanted to be my friend! Oh god!
You see, James? These are the effects that internet use has on the mind.
Yeah, but this guy’s a fruit. It doesn’t have shit to do with Internet consumption. He’s just a moron. And a creepy moron, at that. Sure, the Internet can have bad effects on the health and your sanity. Fuck, you can find more or less anything on the Internet. But you’ve gotta have a social life, too. Which is something I have.
Again with the goddamn messages! Sheesh! Can’t you just do what the other bloggers do and write 3 word blogposts with dick jokes and lolcat pictures?
This is the thinking man’s equivalent, isn’t it?
…Goddamn you.
Well, all good things must come to an end. And all tasteless things must be put down before they can get any worse.
Laters.
J
Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t actually drink as much as I intended to last night. And I intended to get paralytic. Don’t be surprised if photos of myself in coitus with a lamppost surface upon teh intarweb. Although in my defence, the lamppost was begging for it.
>.>
<.<
I spent a rather surreal two hours in literature class yesterday. The teacher started out by reading some passages from one of Sade’s “novels”. Can’t say I was too pleased about that because I fucking hate Sade. The guy was a nut and a dingus. If I wanted to read about people shitting on each other, I’d read the local newspaper. Then he went on a long tirade about how if things are banned, people are going to be all the more tempted to try them. Rhy, could you narrate this for me?
Certainly. ‘Twas ‘twixt the hours of four and six, and the noble pupils of TL2 were perched upon their wooden chairs in the cold classroom. The chairs were actually quite comfortable if you could sit just right in that particular position that evenly distributed the weight of your post-
Get on with it.
Eh? Oh. Instructor Charbonnel perched on the desk in front of the class. From time to time, he would leap up into the air like a crazed, coked-up macaque monkey. He’d also sniff from time to time which suggested that in fact he was a coked up macaque monkey. Shit, we’d best look into that. Anyway, with a cheeky glint in yonder eye, he spoke. Ahem, Napoleon?
Mes chers enfants, when you ban somezeeng, you will tempt ze peasant folk to seek it elsewhere. Zees was ze fateful story of mah beautiful town of Perpignan, corrupted and raped of eets few-tility bah ze accursed General Franco!
He paused for a moment, as if to recall fond memories. Oh, those were the days! The times! The life he had once lived! Oh, the memories!
You see, mah faithful apprentices, Franco had long oppressed ze people of Spain by banning ze porn film in Spain! Oh! Ze cru-el monstrosity de justice! Wah was la democratie created?! Oh, mon dieu! Parbleu! Argh! Oh-
He continued in this fashion for quite some time, flailing his arms about and creasing his brow, shrieking at the indignity of a country deprived of it’s hardcore pornography. Finally, he crept into a corner and wept. After some time he regained his composure.
Eet was ze summer of 1973. Or was eet 1974? Ze Spanish had crossed ze border into mah belle ville de Perpignan. Suddenly mah friends and ah noticed ze popping up of… Ze adult theatres. All around ze city! Popping up like… well… something zat pops up. Oh, ze town coffers were built upon ze hardcore pornography zat tempted ze Spaniards so! Ze dirty bastards! Ze sex-keraaaaved infidels! Ze streets were sticky with ze bodily fluids of Spaniards!
And sir, how did you know where all of these adult cinemas were?
Well… Ah… uh… Next question!
What’s the point of this goddamn story?
To show, dear chahld, zat ze human body just needs to… explode from tahm to tahm. In the Spaniards case, zey needed to explode in a torrent of semen.
And this has something to do with Les Liaisons Dangereuses because…?
Mais sacre bleu! ‘ave you not understood ze moral of ze story?! Zat ees how ze libertinage was born! Through ze interdictions of sexual freedom! Parbleau!
Aye, Charbonnel was a strange and fascinating creature indeed. The pupils did not fully understand why he had been sent upon this earth to instruct them in the ways of the world. Was he a demon? An angel in disguise? Or was he simply a drug-addled schizophrenic who had escaped from the local loony-bin to somehow inflict pain and suffering on a group of young adults in the final throes of adolescence? Only time could tell, but they felt connected to this man, somehow.
No, we don’t feel connected to him. Intimidated, maybe. But not connected. If anything, I’d like to run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. The guy’s a nut.
Oh. So he’s not like one of these zany, innovative teachers usually played by Robin Williams or Jack Black in the upcoming film adaptation?
No, he’s one of these teachers who makes you want to slit your wrists after spending two hours with him. He truly is away with the fairies.
Good GOD! That could be the title of his biopic! Away with the Fairies: A Charbonnel Story, starring Robin Williams as Mr Charbonnel and Mel Gibson as the pesky administrative employee who can’t handly his zany take on teaching! Fuck, we could make millions!
Wah cannot I play ze Meester Charbonnel?
Because you’re a figment of James’ imagination and you don’t really exist.
Oh… But ah… Well… Eef…
Sorry, Napoleon. But I don’t think the film is going to go ahead. It’d just be a rip-off of Dead Poet’s Society. Just with more swearing… And… yanno… tits. And dark comedy. Oh, and booze, too.
Sounds like my sort of film.
Yeah, s’not very PC though, is it?
Fuck that. If Mel Gibson can film three hours of a man resembling Jeebus being tortured to death, why can’t we have our film? Throw a couple of artsy shots into the editing process and maybe a few subliminal messages about hope and being all that you can be and we’re set!
I’d start writing the script, but I really hve better things to do.
Like?
Goddamn you. Well, we’d best rap this up.
‘Till next time,
J
01
Dec
08
No, I will not unite
We can’t change the world through blogging. This “bloggers unite” bullshit is simply a way of letting self-righteous grad students think they’re making a difference in the world through conformist tactics without knowing WHY they’re blogging against AIDS.
Get out and make a real sodding difference, for crying out loud. Don’t think you can save the world from behind a computer desk.
20
Nov
08
Spread that linking love
Hey hey folks, the comedy will be making a slight return soon along with a shitload of political posts. Sorry, but I still kinda need to be serious now and then.
Anyway, I have some links to share with you, yes I do. First of all, lemme present the blog of my very good friend Ayse, who lives in Turkey. While she’s not a regular blogger, I wanted to bring your attention to this excellent post called “Exterminate all Thoughts”. Some kick-ass philosophical musings in there and some absolutely awesome wordplay. Make sure you check it out.
Secondly, I’d like to point you all to another blog of mine, on my Myspazz account. That used to be my regular blog right there, but I dumped it in favour of this one. I recently decided to start updating it again, concentrating more on spirituality and my personal philosophy. Feel free to check it out at some point.
Please welcome Jennifer and IamMint to the blogroll family. They’ve got some seriously funny blogs going on there. Nice randomness.
And that’s the end of that chapter,
Till next time…
James
